The year after

I love decorating for Christmas. There is something magical about being surrounded with the soft glow of the Christmas lights hung around the house. I smile with love when I pull out the homemade ornaments my aunt has sent every year. With each ornament I hang, I pause and reflect on where our family has been, and I wonder where we might all be going. By the time we put the now empty boxes back in the closet, our house has been transformed into a home full of reminders that these weeks are sacred and holy.

At least that’s the way I have always thought about these days. For many years, it’s how I’ve felt.

But this year it’s been different. When it came time to put up the tree and set out the decorations, I did it all out of a sense of obligation. I knew our children would be home from college, and they would expect to see everything like it’s always been. I knew they would look at the tree and search for ornaments that are special to them. They would know if I didn’t put out the snowman bathmat and shower curtain. There is a good chance they will notice something “off” and want to know why it wasn’t put out. So, I hung the ornaments and set out the decorations. But, my heart just wasn’t in any of it.

To be really honest, this lack of excitement and anticipation really bothers me. Sitting on the couch, wrapped in a cozy blanket, watching a Christmas movie, surrounded by the lights and magic of the season has long been a place of peace and healing, regardless of what life has thrown at us.

But this year, that peace and healing remain elusive. The lights just don’t seem to reach the corners of the rooms. Christmas movies and music aren’t transporting me like they usually do. Baking our family favorites is an obligation. Our Christmas cards are still unfinished, and I’m okay with that. Presents sit in the closet unwrapped. There is a part of me that, if it weren’t for our children, would take down the decorations and call the holiday done.

I’ve tried to blame this all on my new job - I’m too busy, too distracted.

Except that’s not the whole truth.

The truth, which I didn’t see coming, is that one of the consequences of our family moving to a new state and new jobs has been we don’t have people in and out of our house like we used to. For years, students and friends would come over to sit by the fire and enjoy each other’s company. We would offer, and they would gladly accept, the batches of cookies and other goodies we offered. Our family knew that everything we did was meant to be shared with others.

Those days are past, and I’ve come to accept that. Still, there’s a part of me that demands to know why this is hitting so hard this year. Our family has lived in this new reality for a little over a year now. Last year wasn’t this hard. I mean, it was hard. But not like this.

I’ve been trying to dissect the reasons why and how I can find my way out of this reality of grief, even though I know grief isn’t something we can tame or control. It’s messier and harder than that. Especially during the holidays. Especially since we are constantly surrounded by reminders - no, they are actually demands - that we have a “happy holiday.” There are moments when I want to scream, “Some of us can’t! Please, notice that some of us are simply trying to hold it together and make it through these days. We are missing our person. We are grieving what was and what no longer is. We are trying to find a way to live in this new reality we never asked for.”

If you are having a difficult time these days, please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to sit in the grief. Don’t push yourself to do “all of the things” or feel all of the feels that you have in the past. Sometimes we just can’t. It doesn’t mean they will be gone forever. It just means that you are doing the best you can right now, and you can’t do everything. Those who know and love you will understand better than you might fear.

My Christmas prayer for all of you is my prayer always - May the peace of Christ and the arms of God hold you tight.

Peace,
Denise

P.S. Our youngest came home yesterday. And hasn’t said anything about what has been left undone.