A Vocabulary for Grief
Last week I began an online study of the Death, Dying, and Life After Death course with a friend. I’ve missed teaching the class, so when she asked if I would be willing, I didn’t hesitate.
We began our discussion where I always start -by reading Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ book On Death and Dying. I know many people discredit her work because she describes the grief process of the dying*, and in stages. But, as I’ve studied other grief models**, I’ve noticed that while they may approach her work from a different angle, focus on different aspects of the grief process, or simply discredit her work altogether, they’re all building on Kübler-Ross’ seminal study.
It’s just unfortunate that she chose to use the word “stages.” This makes it seem like a grieving person will begin with Stage 1 (Denial) and move on to Stage 2 (Anger). This will be followed by Stage 3 (Bargaining) and Stage 4 (Depression). Finally we’ll make it to the final stage (Acceptance), and be done with the grief.
Despite how her work has been interpreted, Kübler-Ross didn’t intend for it to be a blueprint for how to grieve. She understood that grief cannot be, and never is, neat and tidy. If you have ever grieved anything or anyone, you too know this.
Image courtesy of Room to Breathe Psychotherapy and Yoga
Like me, you know that grief looks more like this image of a hot mess. Our actual lived out experience is that we might find ourselves grieving the absence of our person while celebrating a wedding. We know that a show or movie can bring up feelings of anger at what has been lost, emotions we thought we had already worked through and turned over to God.
One of the reasons I love Kübler-Ross’ work is because she gave us a vocabulary to talk about the deep and sometimes conflicting emotions that accompany our grief. Often, when I am listening to someone honestly share their pain, they will apologize for what they have said or how they said it. Over and over I affirm the legitimacy of their words and experiences as part of the grieving process.
When we grieve, our bodies and emotions are on heightened awareness and sensitivity. We are working hard to try to figure out how to live in a world where our person is gone, and what was can no longer be. I believe God understands our pain and the intense emotions it brings about in us. In all of it Go holds us close, even as we feel like we are falling apart.
The importance of listen was one of the big things Kübler-Ross is that until she and her students spent time doing with the dying. Historically, no one had really taken the time to listen to what the dying had to say. In fact, many of the doctors and nurses initially tried to keep them away from their patients, saying Kübler-Ross would cause more harm than good. They questioned why she would make the dying talk about dying.
Yet, when Kübler-Ross was able to talk with the patients, she found many of them willing to share because they needed someone to listen to them. Patients were grateful for someone to listen to their fears and frustrations, their wishes and hopes. Several times family members, doctors, and nurses were brought in so they understand that dying still have a voice and they want to be heard.
One of the most important things Kübler-Ross and her students taught us is that we don’t just grieve our, or someone else’s, physical death. We also grieve all of the other things we’ve lost - independence, friendships, dreams, inability to have children, jobs, lost influence and responsibilities, relationships, meaning and purpose…
This has been life-changing for me. And it’s why I believe Kübler-Ross and the vocabulary she gave us is so important. It gives us a way to understand what we are experiencing. For me, it helps me realize that when all I want to do is just lay around, I’m not just being lazy. Or when I lash out at someone for something small they’ve done, it helps me to understand that there is a lot going on under the surface that I’m dealing with. These aren’t excuses. They are part of grief that can be hard to recognize in ourselves.
Which is why when we have to do the very hard work of grief, we can learn to be a little more gentle with ourselves when the anger comes. How, when we fervently pray asking for healing and wholeness, we can also try and find peace in whatever happens. And how, when we struggle to get out of bed and do anything, we can remember that grief depression is a real thing. This doesn’t mean that it will be easier to get through any of the grief work. But it can help us to be kinder and more loving toward ourselves. It can also help us to be kinder to others when they are doing the hard work.
Please hear me when I say I am not trying to minimize anyone’s experiences of grief. There are some very deep losses which can make it very hard to see any sort of “growing experience” coming out of them. Grief never comes our way to be a learning experience. Please, do not try and search for meanings or growth when the grief is still raw. I am only able to speak these words because I am on the other side of my latest round of big losses and life changes.
So, instead of saying that “acceptance” is the end of our grief work, I believe it’s more about learning to live with the reality of our loss. It’s about making an impact on the world for who and what have been lost. “Acceptance” isn’t about all being well. It’s about finding our way now. It’s about how we honor our person and our experiences. It’s about continuing to love while also living with grief. It’s about discovering who we are now and what that means for these days.
My prayer is that you will find hope, comfort, and assurance in these words. And may you be encouraged by these words of Jesus from Matthew 28: 20 (which are taken out of context, but are true at all times)… Jesus says, “I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.” Day after day, forever and always. We are not alone. Amen.
Peace,
Denise
*It should also be noted that Kübler-Ross was working with the dying and not the grieving. These are two different experiences. However, I have firmly come to believe that when we experience major life changes or other significant losses, these are very similar to death. So, I have no problem transferring her to work to these real experiences.
**Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model and Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning are two in particular that build on Kübler-Ross’ work.
