In its own time
Like some of you, music speaks deeply to my heart. Living with multiple losses and changes these past couple of years, however, has made listening to music hard. Many worship songs bring back memories of specific moments and students from campus ministry that we had to say goodbye to. I’ve found it difficult at times to sing words which don’t speak to the life I’m living right now.
I’ve tried to figure what to do when what has brought joy can’t right now. What does a person do when you can’t find the peace you seek, and need, from an important component of your faith and prayer life? I read books, pray, journal, listening to podcasts, and talk with others. But, they’re just not the same.
Recently I turned on my Spotify worship playlist. It’s on shuffle, so I’m never really sure what song is going to come up next. I was in the kitchen mixing up some chocolate chip cookie dough* when Worn by Tenth Avenue North came on. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. The words seemed to speak to the depths of my soul. I wondered why this song hadn’t come up sooner. Where was Worn a year ago? Why was it just now being shuffle played?
To be honest, it probably has come up before. But it’s one of those songs that has been too hard to listen to, so it’s gotten skipped. On that day in the kitchen, my hands were preoccupied so I had to listen to it.
Real healing within my spirit began that day. As I listened and sang along, the disappointments and griefs I’ve been carrying washed over me. A half second behind them were realizations about how God has worked over the past few months to bring me to a different place than I was. To be sure, the pain isn’t all behind me. Many of my prayers still include the question What now, God? But I’m not where I was.
So, I don’t think the song was hiding from me in the playlist. I think it was waiting for me to be able to hear it.
This is one of the hard things about grief which we don’t often talk about. Grief has a way of taking things which bring us joy or peace or comfort, and making them difficult to participate in or be around. We may still love these things very much, but we’re just tired. Or they bring back memories and emotions which are difficult to handle.
We may absolutely love baseball. But, if that is something we enjoyed with our person who died, it can be hard to watch a game or play on a team. Or cooking may be a creative outlet for us. However, if we have lost our job and money is tight, preparing meals may increase our stress.
Grief can make us feel like this is how we will always feel. It can make us wonder if we will ever enjoy those things which used to bring us joy.
I want you to know that while you may never completely recapture what used to be, how you feel today isn’t how you’re always going to feel. As you are able, bring what you are holding to God. He always listens to our prayers, no matter how short or long, whether we fumble with the words, ask questions, cry out our doubts, or just sit there asking for help.
I pray that some day, somewhere down the road, you will discover that what you now find difficult to do or be a part of is a little less so. You are not walking these days alone. May this be the encouragement you need for this day.
As you walk this road, I offer Worn to you as a prayer and as a song.
I′m tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy
From the work it takes, to keep on breathing
I′ve made mistakes. I've let my hope fail.
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that′s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I′m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak. Life just won′t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that′s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I′m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I′m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That′s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that′s dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I′m worn
Peace,
Denise
*Equal Exchange Chocolate Chip Cookies
2/3 cup brown sugar
2/3 c. granulated sugar
1/2 c. unsalted butter
1/2 c. shortening
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. almond extract (optional)
1 tsp. cider or white vinegar
1 tsp. baking soda
1 egg
2 c. flour
2 c. chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 375˚.
In a large bowl, beat together both sugars, bugger, shortening, salt, vanilla, almond extract, vinegar, and baking soda until smooth (do not cream!). Add in the egg, beating until all ingredients are thoroughly combined. Mix in the flour and then the chips. Spoon onto cookie sheets, about 2” apart. Bake for 11-12 minutes. Cool before removing from cookie sheets.
