Our stories. Our realities.
I went to church a couple of weeks ago and had the opportunity to speak with one of the discipleship ministers. In the course of our conversation, she gifted me a set of Stephens Ministry's Journeying Through Grief books by Kenneth C. Haugk. This series of books is often sent to those whom the pastors know are grieving. There is a lot of good, solid wisdom in those pages. They acknowledge the pain, offer practical advice for making it through the days, and speak comfort to the brokenhearted.
When I sat down with the books, I lingered over a quote which Mr. Haugk pulled from the author José N. Harris. As someone who doesn’t like to spill my mess onto other people, I felt seen.
Never apologize for showing your feelings.
When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.
Stop. Re-read those words.
When we are grieving, it can be hard to keep our emotions and words inside us. It can feel like they are roiling inside us, seeking to get out and be expressed.
When we pass people on the sidewalk and they ask the obligatory question, “How are you?”, most of the time we don’t answer honestly because it’s not the right time and place. At other times we may offer the other person a glimpse at the truth, but he or she is too distracted to really pay attention.
There are times, though, when the person across from us really does want to know howe we’re doing. They offer us a safe space to share, and so we take it. For a few moments, we allow what we are holding inside to come out. We share our story with tears, words of brokenness, anger, or exhaustion.
Until a warning goes off inside our heads, alerting us that we have shared “too much.” It chides us for taking too much of the other person’s time. We fear the other person has gotten more than they bargained for. We worry we’ve made them feel uncomfortable. We are convinced they think we are unhinged.
So, we stop sharing. We apologize for letting our messiness get on them. We wipe away the tears. Comment about silly they are. How we wish they would stop.
Never apologize for showing your feelings.
When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.
But, the uncomfortable truth is that when we are honest with our sharing, and give voice to our pains, it helps us to process what has happened. It helps us make sense of our grief.
Our words may be angry or hurt. We may speak of our guilt or heartbreak. We may share unexpected moments of peace and acceptance which have come our way. Whatever they are, whatever hot mess they are all together, whatever emotions and experiences they encompass, these words and expressions are important for us to speak aloud. They reflect our story, and our reality. And for this, we must not be ashamed.
Job and His Friends by Ilya Repin
This is hard. So very hard. But, I believe firmly it is part of the necessary work of grief. It doesn’t take very long to realize that the option of bottling it all up doesn’t exactly work well. The grief will find a way to the surface.
Before we go, it’s full confession time - I’m an apologizer. My friends Stephanie, Anne, Rachel, Rebecca, and Stacy can all tell you how over the past few years I have shared parts of my story with them, and then, taking hold of my coffee cup, I would turn the tables and ask how they were. They rarely let me get away with this. They most often looked me in the eyes and said how sorry they were for what happened. They repeated back to me the words I have said to so many others - “You do not need to apologize. It’s ok.”
And so today, wherever you are, whatever story of loss you have to tell, I want you to know that it’s ok if you cry and get your emotions all over another person. It’s all a part of your story. And you do not need to apologize for that.
