Finding a way when our security is shattered
Security.
What comes to your mind when you hear that word? Money? Stocked cabinets? Friends? Your significant other? Good health? A reliable job? Secured and locked doors?
I spend a lot of time thinking about the multiple losses and the resulting griefs many of us are living with. Since my own most recent experience with major life changes, secondary losses - those losses which accompany a major loss (i.e. - loss of income, loss of support system, loss of confidence) - have been on my mind a lot.
One of the secondary losses that I’ve been spending time with a lot lately is the loss of security. One of my uncles just had triple by-pass surgery, and I am reminded of his mortality. Our oldest child is getting ready for his final year of college, so I wonder about potential jobs and his future financial security. Since the weekend, I worry more now than ever about the stability and security of our world and our country.
Secondary losses are part of what makes grief so difficult. Because it’s not just the loss or major life change that we have to work through. Our new reality is disorientating as what we have known, is no longer. We look to an unknown future, which can be scary and overwhelming. Before our loss, we could guess what the next days were going to hold. Now they are unsure, and the way is cloudy. This can be especially true when we talk about a loss of security.
This loss of security can be made more acute when we find ourselves in this place because of the decisions and actions of others. A sense of powerlessness can overwhelm us at a time like this. We question how we can have a different future for ourselves, and others, when we don’t hold the decision making power and we are recipients of the consequences.
At other times, we find ourselves living with the unintended consequences of choices and decisions we have made. This can cause us to be haunted by the questions of “What if…”, “If only…”, “Why didn’t I…” Sleep can become elusive as the reality of now, and fears about what lies ahead, swirl around in our head.
I am currently reading Eugene Peterson’s book Tell is Slant: a conversation on the language of Jesus in his stories and prayers. The first part of the book centers around how Luke chose to tell Jesus’ story through the lens every day encounters. Jesus is constantly walking with people, listening to their stories, and entering into their lives. Luke shows us how Jesus recognized that when one part of our life is broken or hurting, it affects our whole self. Jesus always saw the person in front of him as a whole being in need of love, grace, and mercy.
Many who came to Jesus were going through a security crisis. Their health, or the health of someone they loved, was diminished. Their future was made uncertain by the death of a child or husband. Some couldn’t work and were dependent on others to provide for them.
Jesus knew something that can take us awhile to figure out. When we go through a loss or a major life change, we also can also lose relationships, routines, and security. Every loss or change brings with it other changes, both big and small. Sometimes we have to do it all without the person we trusted would be there to help guide us.
If you have read my other posts, you’ll know some of the ways I have found to cope with the loss of my sense of security. I offer these ways again as encouragement for all who are living with uncertainty about the “what nows” of life. They won’t take away the fears and worries. But maybe they can offer reasons to get out of bed and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Get outside. For me, this has meant hours in our yard cleaning up overgrown areas and planting flowers. Get outside and touch the grass, enjoy the wildflowers and birds, sit on a swing, reconnect with creation and be reminded that God is here.
Set a time limit on social media and websites. If being on them causes you hurt or anxiety, close out of them. Your mental and emotional health are much more important than being up on the latest news and happenings.
When you aren’t sure about a decision or what to do, ask others for guidance. It can be so hard to ask for help. Especially when we may not know exactly what it is that we need. But we live in community for a reason. I’ve found that although it may be hard to ask, those around us appreciate the opportunity to help.
Pray. The prayers don’t have to be long, and they don’t have to “cover everything.” But, talk to Jesus honestly with the words you have available. With the energy you have available. Just like he walked and listened to those in Galilee centuries ago, Jesus walks and listens to us.
Take each day, each moment, as they come. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be farther along the path than you are capable of. Let go of the “I should be’s.” There is no timeline for dealing with our grief and all of the losses that come with it. Find a way to be at peace with where you are.
Always, always offer yourself the same grace you would offer to someone else.
Peace,
Denise
