Nobody warned me feeling old started so young
Our youngest, who is 19, constantly reminds me of just how very old I am. There are jokes about knowing certain things, and jabs about my gray hair (Which, in my defense, I found my first gray hair in 8th grade). There are comments about having met people who lived in the 1800s, and death knocking at the door. Oh, the joy never ends with this child. Anymore, when they say something, I just give a little wry smile, and say, “Oh, child. You’ll be my age sooner than you realize.”
But, let’s be real - I’m really not that old. In fact, I’m going to be brave and tell you that I am… um… sigh. Ok, fine. I’m 54 years old. And I honestly don’t know how I got to this age so very fast. I still think of myself as a 35 year old mommy singing and dancing to Sandra Boynton and Veggie Tales.
The problem is that for the past year, it hasn’t just been my child telling me I’m old. I’ve been told it with every job resumé I have sent out. When our family made the move to Kentucky, I began searching for a job outside of the church. I signed up for job boards. I’ve tried making connections on LinkedIn. I’ve followed up on leads our new friends gave me. I’ve reworked my resumé to highlight my skills and experiences. I’ve converted church language and experiences into business-speak. I am beyond grateful for a husband who is an English major and knows how to do all of that.
And yet, I got very few calls or responses. There was a small handful of emails saying thanks, but no thanks. It was as if my resumé went out into the endless void. It got so discouraging that a couple of times I told my husband I was checking the job boards when instead I was asking myself, “Why bother?”
Because what I figured out rather quickly was that, although I still think of myself as a 35 year old with plenty of good working years ahead of me, I’m much closer to the supposed “retirement age.” I’m past the age of flexibility, of learning the newest and the latest. I have spent my whole working life honing skills for one type of job, and now I’m too old to learn the skills needed for something else. Listing the number of years of experience for everything I’ve done is complicated, and quite unimpressive. I don’t know enough about the things I’m supposed to already know. None of the employers ever told me this, of course. And, I recognize there were other factors involved.
But, one does not make mid-life career changes and not have to deal with the consequences.
And I’m not alone.
Last week, I was hanging out at camp, and I started talking with a new friend, who was a counselor for one of the camps there that week. I shared some exciting job news, which opened the door for her to share her own struggles with a mid-life career change that she is also trying to make. For a little while, we went back and forth sharing our experiences, frustrations, wishes, and dreams. She shared where she hopes her new path will lead, and it sounds really exciting! But, then she threw up her hands and talked about how hard it is to get anyone to give her a chance.
In an interview recently, my friend chose to be honest about some struggles she has had and where they have brought her to today. But, instead of feeling supported, the interview team made her feel judged. She tried to get them to understand her journey by pointing out that who she is now at 46 is better than she was at 36, than she was at 26. In the end, the hospital chaplaincy residency was offered to someone else. And my friend was left feeling further discouraged.
A problem with getting older is that we still see so much of our lives ahead of us. There are so many things we still want to do, so many places we want to go, so many adventures we are sure lie ahead of us. In our minds, we may feel like we are still just getting started. Until someone or something comes along and reminds us that we aren’t. We are made to look at ourselves perhaps a little more honestly than we’d like. Which may lead us to resign ourselves to the fact that we just can’t make career changes like we could’ve 20 or even 10 years ago. So, we stick with what we know, and where we are. And we begin a countdown calendar for how long until we have our time in and can retire.
This is in direct conflict with what we’re told when we are just starting out. We feel like the world is ours to conquer. We can be anything and go anywhere. Any business would be lucky to have us, we’re told. And it’s true! There is so much out there to do and to be, in places all around the world, with organizations doing incredible work.
But then one day, we begin applying for jobs, and we’re made to feel like we are just too old, or with experiences that no longer quit fit. It can lead us to question our whole life’s work, to feel like we’ve wasted our talents and our skills. This can lead us down a path that makes us wonder why we spent so long doing what we’ve been doing. Each thought, and each question, reminds us of what has been “lost”, and what might never be. We begin to grieve that the great things we thought we would do might never happen. We resign ourselves to the idea that what is now is how the rest of our lives is going to be.
After a year of feeling like this, and listening to my friend and others share these fears and griefs, I want to encourage you today to not give up. Today is not how the rest of your life is going to be. Your worth and your value are not in the hands of any HR department. Your talents and your skills are not tied to your job successes or failures, nor by those who seem to have the power to determine that.
No matter how old you are, no matter what others have told you or led you to believe, you have so much life ahead of you. Ok, maybe you won’t do all those things that 22 year old you thought you would do. But it doesn’t mean that you’re not still doing, or will do, great things. They just may look differently than you’d expected.
Keep seeking. Don’t let the world determine your worth. Don’t give up on yourself.
My prayer for the past year, and which I pray for all who are seeking today, has been, “God, please show me where you want me to be, doing whatever you want me to be doing. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know where else to look. So I need you to guide me and help me to see. Help me to be where I can make a real difference in this world. And please be with those who will look at my resumé. Open the doors where you want me to be. Please, God.”
Peace,
Denise
P.S. What’s my exciting job news? I am now an English teacher in the local middle school! Although I have an education degree, I never thought I’d go back into the public school classroom. But, after praying that prayer countless times, I’m trusting this is the right door. And as my husband says, “It’s a job!”
