David grieved Saul. Do we have to?

The story of David found in 2 Samuel 1-2 baffles me. David has learned that Saul and his son Jonathan have been killed in battle. A witness to the battle reported that he’d come upon Saul mortally wounded and surrounded by the enemy army. Saul had begged the man to put him out of his great pain, and so he did. Grabbing Saul’s crown and armband, the messenger brought them to David. But instead of rejoicing, David grieved the king’s death.
This was unexpected.
Saul and David had a complicated relationship. Years earlier, David had been welcomed at the king’s table as he played his harp to calm the king’s troubled spirit. Later, David challenged and killed Goliath. Saul had welcomed the victor into his own home, even allowing him to marry his daughter Michal.
But that was in the past. Because for years, Saul loathed David…

“When Saul realized that the Lord was with David
and how much his daughter Michal loved him,
Saul became even more afraid of him,
and he remained David’s enemy for the rest of his life.”
1 Samuel 18: 28-29

Saul organized an army to pursue David. They spent years playing cat and mouse all around the region.
Yet, when David learned of Saul’s death, he composed a funeral song.
It includes these lines,

How beloved and gracious were Saul and Jonathan!
They were together in life and in death.
They were swifter than eagles, stronger than lions.
2 Samuel 2: 23

For this fifth week of our Lenten Reflections, I want to acknowledge the grief that comes with the ending of complicated or difficult relationships, like David and Saul’s.

When we begin a friendship or relationship, we never intend for it to get messy. But life happens. Circumstances beyond our control happen. We each change. Differences and beliefs that had seemed insignificant become difficult to overlook. Money, politics, other friendships, jealousies, core beliefs, faith, habits, extended family, health, hobbies, jobs… Over time, any or all of these can tear apart a relationship until we can’t remember what it was that made us want to be with that person in the first place.

I also think of marriages and difficult relationships with family members. These are incredibly complicated to disentangle from, with many consequences, connections, and emotions involved. But, sometimes when they are broken and hurtful, the difficult decisions have to be made.

Which is why I struggle with David’s devotion to Saul. For most of their relationship, Saul had been on an active hunt to kill David. I totally understand that Saul was God’s anointed, so David was unwilling to harm him. But he also spent years on the run, away from home and family because of Saul.

Yet in the end, David mourned, and he commanded others to do the same. It probably wasn’t easy for him, and there had likely been times he wouldn’t have felt like doing this. But, he chose to honor God and God’s child in a way that would be a challenge for many of us.

David’s mourning raises the question of how do we grieve the ending of a difficult relationship. Whether we end it because the other person walked away, or we ended it for our own mental or physical health, we may wonder how to grieve we have lost.

How do we grieve when really what we might be feeling is relief or gratefulness instead of sadness? When we’re not sure exactly how we feel? When we don’t feel anything at all? When others don’t understand our response to what we have lost?

In whatever has been lost, understand all of these emotions are legitimate and valid, and it does need to meet anyone else’s expectations. Our grief is ours alone. We have histories and experiences with the other person that no one else has.
And let’s face it - we are complicated beings. Our responses and emotions don’t always make sense, nor do they follow a nice neat pattern. This means we will never grieve like we’re “supposed to.” Because whatever that standard is, it is more of a societal expectation than a reflection of individual experiences.

Which means that you also do not need to evoke emotions that you do not feel. Nor should you be made to feel guilty that your grief or emotions are different from others. This stinks because this can make it difficult to be honest with others about how you are feeling. This doesn’t mean that you need to shove them down and pretend they aren’t there.

Please be kind to yourself and find someone to talk to -
a pastor, a therapist, or a friend whom you trust to listen and not judge.

Write what you can down, when you can.

Remember that this is a process which cannot be completed in one day or one session.
Be patient with yourself and the process.
Allow yourself to experience all of the emotions.

Be kind to yourself.
When the emotions hit hard, duck into a bathroom.
Go outside. Take deep breaths. Say a prayer.

You don’t have to do any of this alone. Even as he was forced to live in the wilderness, David was surrounded by a band of supporters, friends, and family. Ecclesiastes 4: 12 reminds us that “By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.”

David also found courage and strength in God. Some of his prayers are found in the Psalms. So are his prayers seeking deliverance from his enemies, and wondering why God hasn’t rescued him already. Some of those he prayed while on the run from Saul. The prayers didn’t stop Saul from chasing him, and it didn’t heal the relationship. But it brought courage and peace to David that he could not have conjured on his own.

If you are looking for someone to talk to, I am here. I know what it’s like to live with the end of difficult and complicated relationships. I understand the deep longing to tell an “outsider” things you don’t feel like you can share with anyone close to you. If I can be this person for you, please reach out. With a friend, we can face the worst.

Peace,
Denise