Challenging the Pacific Ocean, and God

In 2017, I led my first team of college students to Trujillo, Peru. We were going there to partner with CAEF, a residential program for children who cannot be with their families. I was excited, but also nervous about what I would find there.
Once we stepped off the plane in Trujillo, though, there was little time to worry. Our days were full of working and being with the children. In the evenings, after the most delicious suppers, and conversation with our host family, our team prepared for the next day. By the time Sunday rolled around, we were all ready for a sabbath rest. So, after a time of worship, we ate lunch, changed into our swimsuits, and headed off to Playa Huanchaco.

There is nothing quite like the Pacific Ocean at Huanchaco. Waves come thundering onto the shore, threatening to push you over. On their way out, they pull at you with such force that you have to brace yourself to stay standing. The whole time, your feet and calves are pummeled by decent-size rocks and sand.
And I loved it all. The ocean has always been a place of restoration for me. Staring off into the horizon, leaves me in complete awe. The thundering sound of the waves lull me into a peace before God.

It’s a little surprising then, that on that day at Huanchaco, I challenged the Pacific. The past year had witnessed major health issues for my husband. While he was much better, the stress had taken a toll on all of us.
Without really meaning to, that day at the ocean, I dared it take me under. Something in me needed to prove I would still be able to stand.

But, it wasn’t really the Pacific Ocean I challenged that day. It was God. In my mind, no matter what had, or what would, come at me, I wasn’t going to get knocked down.
If I could’ve yelled at the ocean and God at the top of my lungs, and not have had anyone hear me, I would’ve. If I could’ve sat down and cried, I would’ve. But I couldn’t. So I did my best to stand my ground.

I’ve been thinking about because when life throws a lot at us, and we are overwhelmed to the point of being pulled under… when we are living with a loss that has rocked our world, and we can’t see how we are going to make it.. when we have poured ourselves out in prayer and God has remained silent… when our faith is shaken, and questions fill our thoughts, we want God to notice us.

The writers of the Psalms know what this feels like.

Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.
- Psalm 69: 1-3

Last week in our Lenten reflection, we sat with Lamentations and the Psalms of Lament. Their honest and raw prayers can make us uncomfortable. In a Bible that speaks so much about having faith, why are there verses that question God’s goodness and presence in the midst of troubles?

I believe these prayers are included so we can read about God’s grace, love, compassion, and mercy in all of our days.

Job challenged God to a day in court,
and he was given reassurance that God is in control.
Naomi publicly declared that God had turned his face against her,
but God still showed up in each of her days.
The psalmist admits to God he is tired of waiting for God’s help,
and the prayer makes it into scripture for us to read generations later.

These days of Lent are meant for us to spend time with ourselves and our relationship with God. For those of us living with a loss, there may be parts of ourselves we haven’t been able to bring to God. We may wonder if God really is ok with us being completely honest with him. We may believe others who have told us that true faith means accepting what comes our way, and to question it means we lack faith. We may be holding onto anger at God and others, but we aren’t sure we can really tell God about it.

The Good News is that God loves us so much he is willing to do whatever it takes, and he is willing to go wherever he needs, to let us know we are loved and we are his. This means it’s going to take a lot more than some honest words and shaking of fists at God to make him abandon us. Because it won’t work. God will not abandon us. He would rather we be honest than to keep parts of ourselves closed to him.

This week, my prayer is that each of us will accept this truth for ourselves. May you find peace in God’s love, which is greater than all of your questions, doubts, hurt, and honest prayers.

Peace,
Denise