Grief and Puzzles
Our family spent the last few days with my husband’s mom. For some reason, we waited until our last day together to begin a 1000-piece puzzle. Unfortunately for the others, I’m not a very good puzzler. I get bored and frustrated rather easily, and finding a way to organize 1000 pieces to even begin putting them all together is incredibly overwhelming. However, I did what I could to help figure out how the pieces fit together.
It probably comes as no surprise that I have been accused of overthinking things, and maybe I do. But, as I looked at the pieces laid out on the table, it struck me how the process of putting the puzzle together is much like living with grief.
For many of us, life and what we expect of it becomes routine. We wake up in the morning knowing who will be a part of our days and generally what we will be doing. But then, something happens that shatters it all -an unexpected move, job loss, divorce, the death of someone we love, a scary diagnosis, an uncertain future. When this happens, it can feel like life has been broken into pieces.
We long for life to return to what it was before. We long for some semblance of order. We want to fit the pieces back together again, but it’s hard to figure out where to even begin. We get to the point where we realize we can’t do any of this on our own, so we pray. We ask God to show us a step, even if it’s a small one.
We choose to believe God is always faithful, even when we aren’t sure what to do next and the process feels insurmountable.
For those of us who grieve, wishes of “happy” New Year ring hollow and even a little offensive. Turning the page over to a new year means that we continue to live our lives and make memories without our person. It means that we must find way to rebuild out of the pile of what was. It means that the further away from our loss we get, the more others expect us to be “over it” and move on. Any one of these things is hard enough. Added together they feel overwhelming.
If this process of putting the pieces back together is where you are today, be kind to yourself. You don’t have to everything figured out and back in order today. This is a near impossible expectation when you are missing an important part of your life. And, despite what others want you to believe, grief is not like a cold - you do not “get over” it. There are simply too many reminders, anniversaries, special places, relationships, and even smells that bring back memories and a longing for what was.
If you are finding the new year hard to step into, you do not owe anyone an explanation, and you certainly don’t need to come up with excuses. These moments are between you and your loss, and God. If you are waking up each day and trying, extend grace to yourself. If you are in the grocery store and a box of your person’s favorite cereal makes you pause, it’s ok to take that moment and remember. If you are in church and a song reminds you of what was and no longer can be, it’s ok to go into the bathroom and let the tears flow. I have come to believe these moments are gifts from God. Even if they are hard. Even if they bring tears.
We left my mother-in-law’s this morning with the puzzle unfinished. However, with three of us working together, the piles of pieces are now smaller, and the picture has begun to emerge. And I guess that’s a lot like carrying grief.
So, I don’t wish you a Happy New Year. Instead, I pray that you will…
know the love of God surrounding and holding you,
have someone in your life who will let you speak aloud your grief, no matter how long ago the loss,
be able to extend grace to yourself in the hard moments and when you think you should be doing better,
find peace in knowing that the pieces may not fit back together like they used to, and your picture may look different. But, the grace of God is holding you and walking these days with you.
Peace,
Denise
