From Onward to Inside Out, children’s movies speak the language of grief
Last week I was called to substitute teach for the middle school orchestra teacher. To quote our youngest child, there was much rejoicing. I love music. I love band kids. I love orchestra kids. These are my favorite nerds. However, given that my teaching degree is in social studies and not music, I knew I wouldn’t be called upon to lead a rehearsal (Although I’m not gonna lie - that would be so stinking cool!).
Would I be overseeing five hours of study hall? Oh gosh, I hoped not.
Would I be listening to students in practice rooms preparing for their next concert? There are far worse things than listening to teenagers make music.
What I found in the lesson plans was a mix of them all - one period practiced their solo and ensemble pieces, another period had a study hall, and the others watched a movie.
A movie in orchestra.
Which movie could it be - Mr. Holland’s Opus, a classic that makes me cry every time? Hamilton? Amadeus? Fantasia? All of these would be amazing!
But, nope. It wasn’t any of them. It was Disney-Pixar’s Onward. Within 10 minutes of pushing play, I knew I was in trouble.
If you haven’t seen the movie, let me share this summary from Nick Riganas, found on IMDB.com…
In the peaceful town of New Mushroomton inhabited by mystical creatures,
the gawky sixteen-year-old high school student, Ian Lightfoot, is about to discover that magic
is still alive when he receives a strange wooden staff from his long-dead father as a present for his birthday.
Now, Ian and his older metalhead brother, Barley, can finally bring their dad back to life,
and spend an entire day together; however, after a botched attempt to harness the
power of the magical artifact, the Lightfoot brothers will have to embark on a
peril-laden quest behind their mother's back. But, time is running out, and in a world that
has forgotten how to use magic, this is easier said than done.
Will Ian find his calling, and make his dream come true?”
Ugh! Out of all the movies the teacher could’ve chosen, he chose this one.e Let’s just say that I was unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster we went on. It hit pretty close to home on a couple of levels. So, while the movie continued toward it’s heartwarming conclusion, I walked around in the back of the classroom to regain my composure.
As a grief conversationalist, it is always my honor and privilege to walk with someone who is living with loss and grief. I understand that they place great trust in me, that I will honor the grief by making space for it to be spoken aloud. Jesus and I always have a conversation beforehand about my need for him to be present in that time and space. I ask for ears to hear, a heart to hold the other person, and wisdom to know when to speak. Jesus is always faithful in showing up.
I have a special place in my heart for children who are living with grief. In these 40 years since my mom’s death when I was 13, a deep empathy has grown within me that wants to do all I can to help children and teenagers through their grief.
However, I am not able to have as many conversations with them as I do the adults around them. If you have been around children and teenagers much, you know how difficult it can be to have a serious conversation “on schedule.” They can be asking why the sky is blue one minute and the next want to have a heart-to-heart about difficult emotions. We can’t plan these conversations. I’ve realized that part of my ministry is to walk with the adults and help them to create space for these conversations. Offering ideas of how to make these times a little easier to have.
Which is where Onward, Inside Out and other movies like them are so amazing, for all ages. That day when I watched Onward three times, I called my “little” sister and told her about the movie. We had a great conversation. She was 3 when our mom died. Like Ian, she never got to know her deceased parent. She and I have talked about this often, but never really from the angle presented in the movie. I’m grateful for that day of subbing, because it led my sister and me to have a conversation we wouldn’t have had otherwise.
And then, there’s Inside Out, a movie so amazingly good that it was required viewing for the college class I taught. (If you haven’t watched it already, go rent it immediately. Seriously. Open another tab in your browser and rent, or buy, it. I’ll wait for you to come back.)
The beautiful thing about Inside Out is that it’s not about a child grieving the death of a parent. Rather, it’s about 12-year old Riley grieving her life in Minnesota after her family moves to California. She leaves her friends, her home, her school, and her hockey team to start over again in California. We watch as she gets used to a new place, a different culture (California ain’t Minnesota!), her dad’s new and demanding job, making new friends, and growing up. It’s a lot for Riley to work through at an age that is already difficult.
The first time I watched this movie was about a year after we moved our children, then ages 8 & 10, from Arkansas to South Dakota. They left behind friends, our church, family, “the best house ever”, and Chipmunk, “the best dog ever”. Watching Riley’s story unfold, I saw our story. I heard her parents say things to her that I knew I’d said to my children. I grieved as I watched Riley try to make sense of what was happening, knowing my own children had gone through similar struggles. I will never watch that movie without feeling a little sadness.
However, while these movies show Riley, Ian, and Brantley being sad and wishing things were different, they also laugh and have fun. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross said it best - “We cannot look at the sun all the time, we cannot face death all the time.” We must let children and teenagers, as well as ourselves, know that it’s ok to feel a deep loss and also find happiness in our days. It’s how we can make it through our days.
If you are walking with a child or teenager who is living a loss, I encourage you to make space for them to share what is going on inside of them. Some of the things they’ll be able to put to words. Other things they won’t have the language for. Sometimes they will want to talk, and other times they’ll shut down. The most important thing you can do is to let them know that you are there for them. Let them know that you recognize these days are hard. Show them that it’s ok to scream and cry, laugh and be happy. Take them skating or to a movie. Make a meal or homemade play-doh together. Teach them to crochet or build something with Legos. Read a book together, listen to music. What you do together isn’t as important as showing up and reminding them, and ourselves, that we do not walk these roads alone. (Which reminds me - remind me to tell you about Jesus on the Road to Emmaus some day.)
Peace,
Denise
** ‘Inside Out’ Offers Important Lessons for Grieving Children and Adults is an incredible article that I highly recommend.
** Homemade Play-doh, you wonder? Oh my, yes! It’s so easy, and the scents add so much to the sensory experience of this. I use this all the time in my group work. The recipes can be found here.
**Other movies I love and 100% recommend include:
Coco - I am all in on remembering our ancestors and where we come from.
Soul - First of all, it’s about a jazz musician, which made it an instant class in our household. But it also dives deep into what are we really living for? When life doesn’t turn out like we thought it would, are we failures? (Just be warned - the main character dies in the first 10 minutes. I didn’t know this and the shock was great)
Up - Need I really say more?
Inside Out 2 - This one gut-punched me with its portrayal of anxiety. When they show Riley having an anxiety attack, it was really hard to watch.
