Seeking order in the chaos
I have officially been a Kentucky resident for 43 days.
Forty-three days.
A month and a half.
1,032 hours.
This means that after 20 years, my time as a homeschool mom is finished. Our 2 children are in college, over 800 miles away. After 24 years, my “official” work in the church is over (for now). The life we built in South Dakota over the course of 10 years, is behind us. Even the chapter of my 6 years as a crazy band mom is over (Though the next chapter of “the crazy band director’s mom” will be coming soon!). My husband Eric and I are empty nesters in a new home, in a new state, and with new job paths.
It’s been a lot.
All of these changes have been real losses. And they have come with very real grief.
I’ve been reminded these past few weeks that one way I manage my grief is by trying to create order in areas I can control. Recently, those places are in our yard. I have spent hours swinging the weed eater and pushing the lawnmower. I’ve filled the back of an old pickup truck with trash, and I’ve filled my car with donations to a local thrift store. I’ve used a log splitter to transform a haphazard pile of logs into a rick of firewood. I have gotten enough bug bites to make me declare myself done with nature.
In other words, I am trying hard to create order in the midst of our chaos.
Our eldest came home on fall break and
helped clear a couple of areas.
It was nice having an extra pair of hands.
We don’t have nearly as much acreage as the horse farms for which Kentucky is so famous for. But we do have a lot of yard. There is no end to the ways I can get dirty, grimy, and so sweaty that a shower truly is a spiritual moment. I have found real healing in clearing overgrown areas and piling up broken tree limbs.
Before you’re too impressed, know that this drive and energy comes and goes. There are just as many times when all I have wanted to do is play mindless phone games. There have been days when I get dressed and brush my teeth only because of what my husband might think if I don’t. It has been an ongoing battle between the laziness of grief (*as C.S. Lewis put it), and my need to create order.
To be honest, what usually pushes me outside is the maddening admission that I can’t undo any of our losses. I can’t make any of the consequences we are living with right themselves. I can’t make others understand the grief we still feel. I can’t fix any of it.
So, I work to make our yard neat and orderly. Because when people see our yard and our house, I need them to believe we have it all together.
I’m not sure which stages of grief Elizabeth Kübler-Ross would say I’ve been living in. Like all grief, it’s a mixture of them all - a little anger here, a little acceptance there. Some finding meaning tossed in for motivation.
When I place my actions alongside the Dual-Process Model (*see below), my actions come into even clearer focus. In this grief paradigm, it’s okay that our every day experiences oscillate between doing the necessary grief work, and attending to the life changes that come as a result of a loss.
In other words, it’s ok that I have cried in the middle of the canned beans aisle at the grocery store in the morning, and in the afternoon tackled a spot in our yard. Both of these are the work of grief, helping me work through where I am and what life is.
Whatever you have lost, whatever you are grieving, remember that grief is messy. And everyone’s messy looks different. It will show up in busy moments and in the quiet. It will drive us to move, and it will exhaust us. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to experience all of these moments of grief.
Grief isn’t a weakness. It’s a sign that we have loved, and we have lost.
If you need someone to listen, know that I’m here. I may not have it all figured out, but I’m working on it. None of us need to walk the journey of grief alone.
A Grief Observed is C.S. Lewis’ powerful journaling after the death of his wife. The raw emotions, questions, and struggles Lewis writes about are so relatable.
To learn more about Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ work on grief, go to https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ While many people reject the work of Kübler-Ross as too simplistic and orderly, all other grief models are based off her work. I have found peace in her model’s ability to name my grief experiences.
To learn more about the Dual-Process Model of Grief, go to https://whatsyourgrief.com/dual-process-model-of-grief/ There is a great diagram that helps with understanding why we oscillate so much with grief.
