How are you?
We’ve all been there … we’re walking down a hallway and meet someone coming our direction. Eye contact is made, and one of us says, “Hey! How are ya?” The other person replies, “I’m good. And you?” Then we both just keep walking.
I’ve been thinking about the awkwardness of this exchange for awhile now, really since 2020. That year was hard (major understatement, right?!). Most of us were not okay. So much about our lives had been tossed up into the air and we weren’t sure where, or if, it all was going to settle.
We were grieving the loss of security, the loss of togetherness, and the death of people we cared about. We did our best to support friends and family who cared for others at the risk of their own mental and physical health. It felt like the world was falling apart around us, and within us. We are still living with the grief and effects of those months four years later.
Yet, we continue to tell people, “I’m good. And you?” Even when we’re not.
We understand that most people don’t want to hear how we’re really doing. They don’t want to be made uncomfortable with our gunk. Plus, we’re usually on our way to whatever’s next. If any reply other than “Good. And you?” is offered, it’ll throw off schedules and the rhythm we’re in.
So, what are we supposed to do when we’re not okay? What about when it feels like the world has fallen apart around us, and we aren’t sure how to pick up the pieces? What about when the deathiversary of our person is in a few days and we’re grieving their absence a little extra today? Or when something reminds us of what has been lost and we could really use someone to listen to our story again?
What about those days when you’re just sad?
What are you supposed to say then?
Sometimes Disappointing Affirmations gets it exactly right.
I don’t have the golden answer to these questions. But I have a couple of thoughts.
First, it’s ok to not say that you’re good. My go to reply when I’m struggling is to give a slight shrug of my shoulders and say, “I’m okay.” Does this answer change most people’s response to me? No. But it has made a difference to me. Because I know that if I give this answer to someone who is really listening and cares, they’ll stop what they’re doing and give me space to share. Usually these are the same people who know me and can be trusted with my story.
Second, you don’t have to tell everyone everything that’s going on in your life. In fact, I would not recommend it. There are people who we know we can’t trust with our story. However, saying something like, “Actually, today’s a little rough for me” is enough to let any person know you could use a little extra support right now.
Finally, our willingness to be vulnerable lets others know that it’s ok to not be ok. Don’t worry, you likely won’t find yourself thrown into a Kum ba yah circle, with everyone getting in touch with their emotions. But, there’s a chance that you will open doors for others to see you as a safe person with whom they can trust their story. It won’t make our own grief go away, but it can help someone else know they are not alone. We might feel a little less alone too.
Which is why I do what I do. I know how hard it is to be hurting, yet still smile and pretend like everything is good. One of the most important things we can do for ourselves, and for others who are hurting, is to create a safe space where our tears, our grief, our questions, whatever we are holding can be spoken aloud without judgement or condemnation. Sometimes that space is comes when we have the courage to admit that we are not okay and could use a little kindness.
So, how am I today? I’m actually feeling a little sad. But I called a friend yesterday who made a safe space for me to talk. And today I’m doing a little better than I was.
