Life Now
Last week, while I was preparing to roll and dip a thousand coconut balls (Ok, maybe it wasn’t that many, but our recipe makes a TON!), I wanted something to put in my ear. Usually this is a choice between some grief podcast and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me (a NPR must listen!).
As I scrolled through my podcast library, an episode of Everything Happens, hosted by Kate Bowlers, caught my attention - “Wilma Derksen: Living with What You Cannot Change.” This was an intriguing title, so I pushed play. The conversation was indeed challenging, as Wilma Derksen’s story challenges each of us wrestle with the forgiveness of the person(s) who have hurt us, or someone we love. *
But, it was in Kate’s wrap-up of he episode that I stopped what I was doing and quickly wrote down what she said. She reflected on a conversation she’d had with Jerry Sittser, whose mother, wife, daughter were killed in a car wreck.**
"Oh, but I really want you to know. I really want you to know about life now."
- Jerry Sittser
“And that touched me, because he wanted to talk about life after.
Not in a way that made the tragedy more palatable, or explainable, or justifiable.
He wanted a chance to describe that life that had become beautiful again, in ways he could never have imagined.
In ways he could never have hoped for, or predicted.
Somehow we keep living.
Our losses and grief make us into someone new.
Our lives are not hollowed out entirely.
Beautiful, true, good things can grow there too.
Without answers, without reasons, without the apologies that you're owed.”
- Kate Bowler
As I have prepared for the retreat I’ll be leading in January, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we tell the story of our loss and grief. When our loss first happens, the pain and emotions are so raw and painful that our focus is on what happened. We long for others to hear and understand what we are grieving, and how deep our loss is. This retelling helps us make sense of what has happened, and it’s an important part of our healing process.
Over time, however, we may begin telling the story differently. We share more about who or what we have lost, rather than just the loss event itself. We talk about memories of a life lived, dreams realized, laughter, tears, adventures, and heartbreaks. We want others to know that death is just part of the story. But it’s not the whole story.
Yet, if we’re honest, it can be really hard to get to this point. Because whatever the nature of our loss, whatever it is we are grieving, we have been changed by it. We act differently, we think differently, we react differently because of the grief we carry. And we want others to understand why.
But, what happens when we can’t see the good things and joy of today because they are clouded over by the anger and pain of our grief? What do we do when we can’t let down our guard and defenses against another shoe dropping and causing more pain?
How do we quit allowing the grief to hollow out our lives?
We know it’s not going to happen overnight. And it rarely comes because someone pushes us to change. The best I can figure is that God is daily, moment by moment, laying the ground work for us to continue stepping forward. Sometimes the steps are so small we believe we are stuck. Other times the steps are bigger and we wonder at what just happened.
Then it will feel like “suddenly” (but it’s not), when we are ready, there will be a song, an inner feeling, a conversation with a friend, even a podcast, that will stay with us. And we will be reminded that God can take what has happened and redeem it into something more than we ever could’ve dreamed. And our storytelling won’t be the same.
Please understand that if you aren’t able to talk about how beautiful your life has become since your loss, like Jerry Sittser was, do not feel guilty or ashamed. Our grief journeys are all different, and we are all at different stages of that journey.
These words I offer are simply ones that I needed to hear, that have helped me look up and around again. If they are not for you today, tuck them away. Maybe one day in the future you can pull them out again and be reminded that our losses and our grief are part of our story.
Wherever you are on your grief journey, may the grace and peace of God surround you and hold you close.
Peace,
Denise
*This episode of Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens can be found here
**Jerry Sittser has written two books about his loss - A Grace Disguised Revised and Expanded: How the Soul Grows through Loss, and A Grace Revealed: How God Redeems the Story of Your Life. While I have not read either one of these, they are now on my TBR list.
