Letting the “should’ves” go

The past couple of weeks have been kind of weird for me. In a strange turn of events, I have shared very little about Christmas on social media. Truthfully, this has bothered me. As a pastor, I “should’ve” been sharing about the promise and hope of the Christ child. Like I have since 2020, I “should’ve” shared my grainy picture of the Christmas star that was truly a gift from God in an exceedingly difficult year. I “should’ve” invited others to celebrate with me that both of our children home for the first time since August. But, I just couldn’t find the energy or desire to do so.

As a grief conversationalist, I read others share words of grace and love for those who grieve. Beautiful words that were meant to normalize the sadness these days can bring for all who live with losses. I read these and kept thinking about how I “should” be speaking into this space as well. But, I just couldn’t find the unique words I wanted to share. And so I stayed silent.

Putting these thoughts in print, I realize the basis for my struggle - the phrase “I should’ve.” Ugh! These are perhaps among the most destructive words we tell ourselves. They are a source of guilt and anxiety; very rarely do they bring joy or hope. They make us feel less than, and they cause us to believe poorly of ourselves. They steal our joy and keep us living in the past.

As we enter into the new year, if you are carrying a heavy load of “should’ves”, please hear that you don’t have to carry them any longer. As harsh as it sounds, what was has been, and there is nothing we can do to change any of it. We cannot undo an act that hurt another person. We cannot take back the words spoken in anger which broke a relationship. We cannot relive the days when we were less than we wanted to be.

We can’t change what has been.
But we can offer ourselves grace for how
we handled it.

If there is one thing I wish I could get everyone to believe, it’s that however you responded to or handled something in the past, you were doing the best you could at that time with what you knew and understood.
Does this mean that you had the “perfect” response? Maybe not. Does it mean that you do “everything” you could’ve or should’ve? Maybe not. Was there more you might have done if you had only known? Possibly. Do you now know what you would’ve done and said, if only you could go back and change things? Probably.

But oh, my sweet friend, please hear this - you most likely did the best you could at the time with what you knew. Life is complicated. Troubles don’t take a number, and they don’t wait for their turn. They happen while we are busy with our jobs, our commitments, our families… life. It is difficult to focus on only one thing all the time, or to see the whole picture at once. If you are living with regrets and guilt, I invite you to offer yourself the same grace you would invite others to live into.

I know this isn’t easy. It has taken years for me to let go of the guilt I held onto for how I stayed away from my mom as she lay dying from brain cancer. For a long time I regretted that I didn’t do more to take care of her, or sit with her more. Then I began living into the same words of grace I offered to my students, and which I finally accepted for myself. I finally extended grace to my 13 year old self for doing the best I could at that time.

Whatever load you carry today, you do not need to carry it alone. If you would like someone to sit with you and listen to your story, please know that I am here, ready to listen and be present with you. You can contact me here.