It’s the other losses that are going to break me
I’ve embarked on a new adventure this year. I guess it’s not technically a new adventure since I have a degree in it, it helped me homeschool our two children, and I did it formally for seven years at my previous job.
I am studying to take the PRAXIS exam so I can obtain my teaching license in Kentucky.
This shouldn’t be too hard, right? Like I said, my bachelor’s degree is in secondary education. I have taught children and youth, as well as preached in multiple churches. I am an intelligent woman who is capable of doing mighty things.
So, why is studying and retaining the material so hard? Why do important people, theories, and practices seem to get lost on their way to my declarative memory? (At least I think that’s the right type of memory. Like I said, I’m struggling with remembering what’s in the study book.) Why did I, once again over lunch, tell my husband all of the reasons why I cannot and will not ever be able to pass this exam?
Honestly? It’s because I haven’t touched this stuff formally in a lot of years, and I’m still trying to find my way in a new land, with new people, and in ways I haven’t before.
Cups of hot coffee, highlighters, Post-It tabs, and the view out my window keep me going these days.
A reality of living with a loss is that it’s not the only thing that gets changed. Everything else around us changes too. We grieve our primary loss, such as the death of our person, job loss, divorce, changes in our health…
These can traumatic enough. But, there are other losses which come also. They are often called secondary losses, and their impact intrudes in areas we had thought were safe.
The harsh truth is that nothing in our lives exists in its own vacuum. So when we are forced to live with the loss of someone or something we hold dear, the ripples will find their way into areas we wish they’d stay out of.
When we grieve, we often find ourselves grieving more than just who or what we have lost. Often times we have to take on new responsibilities, find a new community, search for a new job, and navigate a future we didn’t see coming.
We might have to flex physical, mental, and emotional muscles we haven’t used in awhile.
We will likely have to give ourselves pep talks, reminding ourselves that we are indeed braver than we thought we are.
If you are living with a loss and trying to find your way forward, be held by these truths today…
You are not alone.
There are people around you who are on your side and want to walk with you in what these days hold.
Share the hard stuff you are having to learn, do, and take care of. Others may not be able to “solve” the task, but they can encourage you and maybe even help you find the resources you need.
You are braver and smarter than you think
We can too easily convince ourselves that we don’t know enough, we don’t have the abilities needed, or that we just aren’t enough to do what needs to be done. We know our limitations better than anyone else, and the mountains in front of us always look bigger than they actually are.
Yes, you are facing hard things. Yes, you are likely having to step out of what you’re comfortable with. Yes, you are having to do things you haven’t done for awhile. But, you can do this. Maybe not perfectly. But no one is asking for perfection.
You may try and fall, but that’s not the end
It can be so easy to declare defeat when we try something, fail, and others see us fail.
When you feel like giving up, remember the wise words of Chumbawamba - “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down.”
You will get dirty. You will get tired. You will get so frustrated. You will want to quit. But you don’t have to it all figured out in one day. Do what you can today, get some rest, and try again tomorrow.
Offer yourself the same grace you would offer someone else in your place
Those words of encouragement you would share with another - Speak them to yourself.
That cup of coffee or hot tea you would surprise your friend with “just because”? - Treat yourself.
Those verses of Scripture or poem you would share to encourage another - Read them and be encouraged yourself.
You are seen, and you are heard
By the One who created you, who hears your prayers, holds you when you feel like you are falling apart, and cares more about you than you can ever possibly know or understand.
If you are struggling with your faith, this may be difficult to believe. Please hear me when I say it’s ok that you are asking questions and being honest. God has not, and will not, abandon you. You are seen, and you are heard, however it is that you come before God.
